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as soon as you've gone mad i can find myself again

untitled ,

and i sat, and i stared, and i thought
‘why is he breaking my heart? why is he breaking my heart?’
and I thought that my pain was bad but my pain was underground; tiny, stupid, irrelevant
you always get hurt, you always get hurt
'you don't deserve it' i say, 'why do you get so fucked around? trampled on, driven over, left alone. you need to try to stop loving them'

she was still and quiet, always clever, a thousand steps ahead of me,

'if you care, i guess everything hurts the same'
she said, and i tried not to cry

but it was as though i was drowning. i can never
fucking
do
it

LOVE

what is
LOVE ?

is there a goal? is there a reason? no
i just want to be on my own; (oh fuck, i am shaking again)

FEAR
FEAR
FEAR

i am quiet isolation
i am desolation
i am all of the silent frustration inside your head

you know what it is, you even know how i feel (i think) - awareness of my mental state.

'LOVE'
in the big grey dictionary, the one my mother gave me;

"1.1. strong feelings of affection"
"2.1. if you LOVE something, you feel that it is important and you want to protect it"
and my favourite, but also my worst;

"4. YOUR LOVE IS THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVE"


i can feel it and then i can't
there and gone faster than sunrise and sunset in fast-motion, rewinding the tape back to the very first second and watching it more carefully; played sowly played in clarity
but i had you for clarity

you were satisfied with so very little, but you deserved so much more:
unfair, like terminal illness


'i could have
no money
no job
no nothing'
you said,


'but with someone i love, i don't need anything else'